Getting Back To It

UGHHH!! Ever felt like that? I do - alot. So these past two weeks, the ones I committed to logging a bunch of miles, not so good. Did I eat the Halloween candy? Yes, but not as much as I have in the past. I have felt so unmotivated, no change in physical appearance and sick kids. Which means lots of interrupted sleep and one tired mamma during the day. I know - if I just exercise it would change my whole outlook. I'd feel better...motivated...AWAKE!!

Well - I'm not stuck in the muck -I'm getting back to it! I started again today and I'm gonna keep moving! My ultimate goal is 70+lbs, my mini goal is just to get my "fluffy" clothes to fit nice. I want to enjoy the holidays feeling good about myself - and yeah that 20 year reunion is still coming up! YIKES!!

Though appearance wise I haven't seen a difference - stamina wise I have. Which tells me I'm making my heart healthy. And that's what I stress to my kids when I'm working out - it's getting healthy - not skinny. I want them to have a good view of themselves. A healthy one.

So although I feel UGHHH - I'm moving forward. Because if you're not moving forward you're moving backward and I don't like it there!

Still at it

Ok, so I'm the worst blogger in the world. It hasn't stopped me from exercising. In September when I first started out, I logged 3 miles a week. In October, I started with 5 miles a week then ended logging in 8 miles. Except for the week leading up to Halloween, only logged 3 miles that week - not too good, but I'm back on track. Gonna set a goal of 8 the first 2 weeks and then bump it up to 10 the rest of the month.

My kids are on board, they let me have my time, it's not as difficult as the beginning. My 2 yr old says "Essercise a momma?" Yep, baby you can exercise w/momma.

I'm glad I started when I did. We're coming into the holiday season and my thinking is: If I can keep this up during the holidays - then the rest of the year should be a piece of cake! Pun intended!

Truth time: Have I lost any weight? Not sure, I don't have a scale. Do my clothes fit different? Not really. Am I discouraged? A little, but slow and steady wins the race. I'm making life style changes, I just need to make a few more. (Like not eating all the Halloween candy!) Do I wish I could lose all 70 lbs before my 20 year reunion next month? YEAH! But I know that's not possible. I am where I am and I'm making steps to be in a different place physically and mentally. So here's to the next month logging in miles!

Mirror, Mirror

So why does my reflection at home seem so different than the one I see - say in a a department store mirror or window? All of the sudden I look like I'm 4 sizes bigger. Do I really look like that? I mean I look in the mirror at home and think to myself - I look pretty decent, big, but not that big. Then I catch my reflection. Which is true? The reflection out or in?

Hmm...out or in..a double meaning here.

I read a post from a high school friend. "There's a skinny girl trapped inside me too!" Sometimes I think my skinny girl isn't fighting quite hard enough to get out. But I'm finding it's so much more than that.

There's a line in a song from the Disney movie Mulan: "When will my reflection show who I am inside?" It's not when the skinny girl shows up - it's when I start to love myself. Just as I am now. Accept that this is where I'm at - now. And not be so trapped by my weight. It hits me every time my 4 year old daughter says, "Mom, you look beautiful." (or pretty, or fabulous or whatever word she'll come up with) She's never known the skinny me - she doesn't know me any other way than the way I am now and she loves me just as I am.

So why can't I? Because my weight to me is so much more than extra pounds. It means: I'm out of control of just about everything in my life. It means: I can't seem to get it together no matter how hard I try. I means: I feel like a failure.

But that is slowly changing. I started to exercise. I'm working on drinking more water and watching more closely what I eat. I'm making better choices. Not just about my outside, but my inside. I have a saying on my fridge - " A mother who radiates self-love and acceptance actually vaccinates her daughter against low self-esteem." Naomi Wolf

The reflection I'm working on is not only the one I see in the mirror, but the little 4 year old that is a reflection of me. She reflects what I say and how I feel. I don't want her to struggle with self-acceptance and low self-esteem. So I'm changing me and what I think of me for me and for her.

Why "Fluffy"?

Why "fluffy" and not from "fat" to fit?

Because I already have self-esteem issues and I really liked it when I heard Paula Deen use it to describe herself. She's happy being fluffy. I on the other hand am not, and so I don't mentally beat myself up over the shape I'm in, I will call myself fluffy. I'm not comfortable in my own skin, but I have to accept the fact that this is where I'm at - for now. It didn't come on over night - it's not coming off over night, but I'm making changes.

Now - did I do my walking routine today? No, but I did walk around the mall for a couple hours. Not enough to get my heart rate up, but then again I wasn't sittin' on the couch eatin' bon bons. Not that I ever eat bon bons...anyway - I walked 3 times so far this week - and tomorrow I'm gonna push for the 2 mile walk w/Leslie.

I can squeeze 1 mile in (15 mins) with minor interruption: The 2 yr old wants me to hold him as I'm trying to do my time, I put him down and the 4 yr old is fooling around in the bathroom washing her feet in the sink and then the 2 yr old joins her - only he's washing his hands in the toilet. So I pause my dvd, handle my "minor interruption" and get back to it. 15 mins has now taken me a 1/2 hour. Which is how long the 2 mile is. Hopefully it will only take me 45 mins.!

Nap time you say? To that I say what's nap time? But that's a whole other blog!

Check in w/you later!

You gotta start sometime!

So here it is. I'm putting it out there publicly.

I need to get in shape.

I started a walking program last week. My problem isn't the exercising it's staying with the program. I hate gyms so I found a lot of stuff I like to do at home. Leslie Sansone's In Home Walking, The Firm, Pilates, Gunnar's CORE program....you name it I've bought it.

Why so motivated?

#1 - I have two little ones that I need to be around for and keep up with.

I've been fooling around with 75 extra pounds on my body for about 4 years.

I've labeled it "baby weight",

but the truth of the matter is my "baby" is almost 2 1/2.

#2 - I found another roll in the shower. As if the fat that hangs over the bra added to the back fat roll wasn't enough! Just over my hips a new crease - ugh! And I used to have this cute backend -

like J-Lo - well maybe not as cute as hers, but it was cute.

You could see where my back ended and my bootie started.

Now it's just one big, wide mess.

And don't get me started on my thighs or arms.

# 3 - Time goes by whether I do something or not. A year ago I was all pumped to get in shape for a wedding I went to this summer. I was so determined. I just didn't get too far. Well, I didn't get anywhere really. I looked the same as I did last summer.

This is a new beginning for me. I'm doing this blog to help me stay motivated and accountable. If it helps others great! But I need to do this so I can stay on track. Almost like I'm checking in with somebody. Can't afford WW, Jenny Craig, Nutri Systems so I'm going with a blog.

If you want to follow me or join me on this journey, by all means, there's enough room.

I'd love to hear comments - so feel free!