Mirror, Mirror

So why does my reflection at home seem so different than the one I see - say in a a department store mirror or window? All of the sudden I look like I'm 4 sizes bigger. Do I really look like that? I mean I look in the mirror at home and think to myself - I look pretty decent, big, but not that big. Then I catch my reflection. Which is true? The reflection out or in?

Hmm...out or in..a double meaning here.

I read a post from a high school friend. "There's a skinny girl trapped inside me too!" Sometimes I think my skinny girl isn't fighting quite hard enough to get out. But I'm finding it's so much more than that.

There's a line in a song from the Disney movie Mulan: "When will my reflection show who I am inside?" It's not when the skinny girl shows up - it's when I start to love myself. Just as I am now. Accept that this is where I'm at - now. And not be so trapped by my weight. It hits me every time my 4 year old daughter says, "Mom, you look beautiful." (or pretty, or fabulous or whatever word she'll come up with) She's never known the skinny me - she doesn't know me any other way than the way I am now and she loves me just as I am.

So why can't I? Because my weight to me is so much more than extra pounds. It means: I'm out of control of just about everything in my life. It means: I can't seem to get it together no matter how hard I try. I means: I feel like a failure.

But that is slowly changing. I started to exercise. I'm working on drinking more water and watching more closely what I eat. I'm making better choices. Not just about my outside, but my inside. I have a saying on my fridge - " A mother who radiates self-love and acceptance actually vaccinates her daughter against low self-esteem." Naomi Wolf

The reflection I'm working on is not only the one I see in the mirror, but the little 4 year old that is a reflection of me. She reflects what I say and how I feel. I don't want her to struggle with self-acceptance and low self-esteem. So I'm changing me and what I think of me for me and for her.